Joo, tämä on semmosta teksitä että nuoremman väen ei kannata lukia (okei kyllä ne gorea näkee netissä mut kuitessii). Englanti voi olla perseestä mutta typoja tulee but anyways, enjoy o/ 

 

It is weird that people who hated you and said bad things at you suddenly become worried and miserable when they find you on your apartmen`s floor covered in vomit and blood. That`s what happened to me when I tried to kill myself, okay I may not be only one who had this experience but yeah, let`s continue.

I wrote letters, when I think of them, I think all of them weren`t that good, my mother didn`t get enough curses on her`s and my brother didn`t get enought praises on his. But I think one of them I wrote just right and It was for my dad, I hope it is still there where I left it so I can read it for you later but I think I can remember the best parts from it:

Dear dad, I have to say that you were the most assholic person in my life, do you want to know why? Well read on If you dare you fucking cunt.

All those words I meant, he was and still is a bigtime asshole who should just jump down from the roof and basically just break his neck (okay I don`t want him to jump down really, I just want to see his neck break). But yeah, all those other words I just fucking meant, except dear- part, he isin`t dear, or he was until I turned 15, but yeah I should go on before I spoil whole thing for you.

I remember when I was 8 and you took me fishing for the first time, back in those days I wouldn`t have called you a cunt, bigot, idiot, asshole or any of those because I was stupid, innocent child who tought that you were the best dad in the whole wide world. Now at the age of 17, I would dare and I did and I enjoyed it, do you know why? Because you fucking know why you cunt, bigot, idiot asshole.

So I really loved my dad until I was 15 as I said because he was such a nice person and very, very kind, even kinder than my mother who also was, WAS somehow kind person until I was 10 and did, as she said ”stupid mistake”. I say I loved my father, he was world to me he was a person who I adored, almost worshipped but yeah, I still call him Mr cuntassholeston every time he comes from the door.

I liked you, I really did, I tought you were a good person and I tought I could trust you but apparently I did mistake believing in that, I should have noticed that he wasn`t worth of my trust when I was about 10.

Do you remember when I told you I had crush on somebody when I was 10, of course you did, you laughed warmly and asked who she was, I went silent for a moment until I told you that actually it was he?.I remember how mother went just insane and you just stared at me and finally laughed it off saying mom that I would be just a phase, did you ever tought how much that hurted me? I had interest in boys since I was like 5, I bet you didn`t even gave a tought to it, you never did.

But yeah, that was propably the least shoking part in my life, it got worst later, especially when I showed Hugo, my still- boyfriend to my father and my brother (I should have known that I just should have showed him to mom instad of Cunt but what I experienced at the age of 10 didn`t much support to do so and I trusted, Iquote I trusted that asshat).

I have to say that I hated you most when I introduced Hugo to you and Bert, I loved the way Bert reacted to me telling him and I loved how he was just an undestanding brother. You on the other hand Mr Cuntassholeston, you I lost my trust that day when you punched Hugo and he got paralyzed down to waist and you just said that I should have deserved that too because I was a sin against humanity.

I hated that mans face after that, I met Hugo multiple times after that and got my realtionship fixed with him wich was a good thing. (He never blaimed me for that because he knew I didn`t knew Mr cuntassholeston being like that). But yeah, after that I moved out of the house, Bert tried to convince me to go back but he knew I wouldn`t.

Well, after that I knew you wasn`t a man, you were a monster a stupid, idiotic monster who I should have killed that night when you came to my apartment trying to make me come back home and go to gay camp. Do you know how close it was that I would have forced you on the floor and stab you on the neck multiple times with the butterknife I had? It was seconds away. I can`t believe you dared to came to my own- paid apartment to demand me to come back and become good son to you, become ”normal” and become a stupid asshat like you. I would still stab you with a butterknife to the neck If I had a chance.

I would have done it to him when he came to my apartment when I lied unconsiousness on the floor. How did he knew you may ask. Well I heard that Bert had told him what I had sended to him (I sended him a picture of pills and booze with crylaugh emojies, shouldn`t had but I think I was already tumbled from booze and blood loss). He, I think, broke down my door with his neighbour friend and what I understood, tried to revive me according to parademics but I don`t think it counts as an apology.

I remember that I woke up for a moment and Mr Cuntassholeston cried and tried to keep me awake. I remembered that I laughed and said something that changed his face from worried to just plain silent. I think it was something about him being an asshole who didn`t really cared about me and something that he should just go and jump under a truck or something and I remember cursing a lot, I mean lot.

Oh, somebody is comicg, I really, really hope it`s Hugo, he promised to bring me chocolate, oh f-ck, it is just Mr Cuntassholeston. Oh, wait, he has my fucking letter on his hands, this is fucking interesting, propably I`m going to hear southing, at least I`m at hospital so I can always call doctors If he even glances at me.

”Hi.” He starts, I just decide to stare at him.

”So, I wanted to talk with you about this…”

I decided to be shut, I know If I open my mouth he just says something stupid, I hope he would just stay at the door but no he is comicg even closer. I take the alarm button to my hand hoping that it works. He sits on the empty bed besides me, he looks conserned and looks at the letter thinking propably wich point is the one that he is going to lecture me about. 

”This… uh, I really want to talka about this.” He says, WHAT DO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT?! NOTHING, I shoutthink but I just keep my mouth shut, it`s the best way to tell that I don`t want him near me.

”I annaounced myself at the police about Hugo`s case, you are not accused of it anymore…”

I look him, well that was new, either I`m on high on morfine or I am just hallusinating because I`m dying. 

”And I also uhh… I also… I… am fucking sorry.”

Well that is deeper than saying I am very sorry, I am deeply thankful for that, okay I`m shitting, that doesn`t help.
”I can`t excuse my wrongdoings towards you, I… I think it was wrong to me get mad at you.”

”Yeah hell it was, are you slow or something.”

”I… I think I`m a bit but… I want to apologize you truely and I… want to make peace with you.”

”Yea and what made you think of that suddenly? First, you punched my boyfriend and made him disabled, then you basically wanted to send me to gay consentration camp and all above that you just ignored me as a person for years! How do you think I can just accept some bullshit like that from you?!” I screamed, he kept his calm.

”I do not expect you to accept anything from me yet, I just want to start again, slowly.”

”And why is that…” I asked even I knew, dad squieezed my letter in his hands, I waited for an answer, he seemed to think.

”I… I don`t want to loose you I…”

”You seemed to want it before very much, how come you suddenly love me and want me back?” I asked, I just wanted to make him angry so he just would get out, I didn`t want him here.

”I… I still love you, I just…”

”You just what? You just were too coward to face the fact that your fucking son is gay?! Huh?!” I almost screamed.

I wanted to continue but my voice stopped working when I saw my dad doing something suprising, he cried (okay I witnessed it two days before but that time I was too mixed from the drugs) It felt just weird. I had never seen him so upset before, not even when grandfather died and him and dad were close, almost like old friends.

”Sorry, I should act more like an adult.” I said silently.

Father kept his silence, I just sat there and waited, finally,  I sighed and said that he wasn`t the idiot in this situation, it was me, I had just screamed at him while he tried to fix something broken. Dad was quiet, he just still sat, he didn`t do anything.

”I- I am sorry I upset you.” I said, he didn`t say anythig wich upset me a little bit.

”I should have told you this before…” Dad suddenly said.

”What?” I asked.

”I… we… your mother and I, we… met at the Drag queen club.”

”Excuse me?” I asked, I didn`t believe my ears, dad had to bullshit me, he had to… he couldn`t be… he tried to…

”How?” I just asked instead of screaming from top of my lungs and claiming he was a ugly liar who should just jump in front of train.

”She was there on mission to turn us performers to Jesus and save us from our way of sin, most of us just laughed at her but…”

”And that`s why you went all christian and reasoned your doings towards me and Hugo through your love for mother and Jesus?” I reasoned.

” No… I have never loved your mother.” Dad said I just stared at him.

”What? But… you made me and Bert and all…” I started.

”You can make babies basically just with whoever you want If you put your dick in their vagina If they have one. I just… My father was at the same church as she and I are now and she threatend to tell my father about my secret hobby If I wouldn`t turn to Jesus and marry her. She had cheked me out before and wanted to marry me since the first time she saw me, so I did and just started to tolerate her, not like she has her good sides but… I just can`t stand her.”

”Why don`t you divorce? Granpa is dead anyway and you don`t have any reason to be with her, also why did you hit Hugo?” I asked, dad shaked his head.

”There was no reason to me to do it, absolutely none, I… maybe I just was jelaous of you that you had your happiness. I can`t never excuse my doings to him, or you, you two deserve your happiness. And about that divorce thing, I really can`t say, maybe I have grown to her and If I leave, what do I have, I am like over 40 years old, rutted man who has ruined his childrens lives and have old mans beer belly.”

I wanted to laugh at the last one but… I decided to try not to, My father had clear depression and I had mixed feelings towards him so laughing at this moment would be my worst idea yet. Finally I decided that I should make my decison. I decided to not to be an asshole, dad was right, he had no excuses for his wrongdoings but he also understood what he had done and had took steps towards fixing them somehow so I decided to stop being crappy idiot towards his suggestion and try to come towards him.

”Okay, I think this for a while, I come to you when I have made my decison on this. I will also think some conditions for you before we start any kind of bonding.” I said, dad smiled carefully until he nodded with serious face.

”So, we see then?” Dad asked.

”Are you goin to at mom`s place?” I asked.

”I…”

”My first condition is, you say fuck you to mom and get somewhere else.” I said, Dad nodded little surprized.

”Do you still have my number, so you can call me and ask where I am?”

”Yeah, I think I have it but If I don`t I ask from Bert.”

”Okay, see you then… son.”

”Yeah, sure… Mr… I mean dad, sorry, it just comes.”

Dad`s laugh was friendly